the weekend was emotionally and mentally draining. court and i were fighting/not talking the whole thurs.- sun. we've had arguments before but this one was scary. it started thurs. because of my mouth. then i was angry for most of friday. and we didn't talk until sat. night. it all went out of control. i was not proud of myself, for things i said or did. it would be too good to be true if we cruised through our relationship without so much as a peep. that, i think, is much more dangerous than the couple who argues every week(or month or whatever). it just might be a concern if they intensify or get into a daily occurence.

i do love court more than anything in this world. i thought about our relationship and my feelings. during these times you tend to conjure up the not so nice thoughts. i do cringe when we do argue. but sometimes it helps to get things out. good or bad, it is communicating. i wish i could just get the words out normally. i did think of the good memories(because most of them are). of course i thought about some bad as well. and i do think about how we both struggle with depression, being constanly apart, and our financial situations. now if all of those vanished this would be a perfect world. and like i said about not arguing at all.

i wish i could have stopped this before it got out of hand. but my stubborn nature and selfishness dragged it on far longer than it should have. i continually let down my friends, little things at first but they do pile up. i don't mean to do it. but it's too late. my depression has had something to do with killing certain friendships dead. i'm a little sad about it. i don't want my depression or moods or nature to kill the freindship i have with court. it is too important to me. so i keep trying even after seemingly the worst of fights. court has always offered what ever she has to give. over and over, she gives her support, her love, attention, affection, and sometimes a big kick in the ass, which i need. this turn around sometimes seems too slow. i will get there. we will get there.

today, things are better. we are feeling better too. that's a good start. my mom and karl finally left for FLA on sat. night around 6pm. she called around 10, to say she was in michigan...i'm sure they are there now. so a little more room and peace and quiet. it's just me and kev(and the cats).

and in typical "mom's on vacation" fashion. kev decided to re-arrange the living room. it is much better. there used to be a crowd of plants which took over the front window. it looked like a forest. not very conductive for conversations either. but now, it's brighter, conversation friendly and a fresh look. good job kev. that's a thought for a new career for him. interior re-arranger. kind of like a designer but it only costs you a few hundred dollars instead of a thousand.

i've been watching the british series "coupling". kev has seasons 1 & 2 on dvd. now, i've always been skeptical about britsh t.v. series, all run by the watchful noose of the bbc. and plus a lot of shows/comedies have little "in jokes" that the rest of the world doesn't get. (but then maybe that's what u.s television does too) anyway, i'm not a fan of coronation street of upstairs/downstairs or any of that crap. but i've been a fan of black adder. hate mr. bean, it's stupid. used to love benny hill(hmmm) and dave allen. and i've been known to watch "are you being served?" so that's my knowledge of british shows. i'm sure the rest are daft. but this show is like "friends" except it doesn't make you puke. i watched the first episode of season 2 of "coupling" and it wasn't bad. some parts were funny. but since i started watching the first four episodes of season 1, it is pretty fuckin' hilarious. corr! whatever that means...i think, bloody good! so , if you get to rent it or buy it , you'll definately laugh your ass off. better than most of the crap they pump out south of the border.

and don't get me started on canadian t.v. , so i guess i shouldn't rag on the brits. oh, and global sucks and mike bullard is NOT funny, wherever he goes.

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